Bundesliga has started! And after only two days already played, I’m gonna tell you how this season will end – only in part tongue-in-cheek.
The Top End
There will be a really close battle for places 1 to 5 between the teams of FC Bayern, Borussia Dortmund, Bayer 04 Leverkusen, VfL Wolfsburg and Borussia Mönchengladbach.
The group of the first four will start to trade the top four places for the beginning of the season, with Mönchengladbach at first continuing its bad start. However, similarly to what Wolfsburg did last leason, they will combine a winning streak with a short period of mediocre results by other teams to silently move up to the top group and remain there. With BVB leading the pack by end-season, and the entire group establishing a lead over place 6 of more than 6 points, the last day will completely rearrange the top 5 (with the end result seeing all on equal terms by points, and most by goals as well), with Dortmund dropping to place 5, and Bayern reclaiming the “Bayern-Dusel” for a win, followed by a similar constellation as last season with B04, Vfl then Mönchengladbach.
In other competitions, FC Bayern will be eliminated from the Champions League in the quarterfinals against a assumedly weak team, and from the cup, also in the quarterfinals, against FC Augsburg. BVB will share a similar fate, but progressing to the semifinals, in the cup losing against Wolfsburg, who will win the title. B04 will reclaim the Vizekusen title, scoring second in all competitions.
FC Augsburg will again score place 6 and again qualify for the Euro League – in no small part due to the fact that they will have been eliminated from that competition already in the group phase. They’ll be followed directly by Hoffenheim (from which they steal 6th one day before season’s end), with S04 ending up in 8th. That result is unacceptable in the eyes of Schalke fans, not only because they had (once again, like they do every year) counted on a title win, but also because both matches against BVB are lost with a result in the 0:4 region.
Darmstadt will be the new team that doesn’t make it – ending up in 17th. On the last place, we’ll find Hannover 96. Place 16 of course goes to HSV, who once again will then by a combination of pure luck and further luck once again remain in the first league. Ingolstadt, after being in the last places for quite some time, will move to 14th following an impressive run by the end of the season.
There’ll be of course the topic of head coaches. S04 will fire Breitenreiter after the second match against BVB, and the next one again after he fails to win the title. For some completely unclear reason, BVB and Tuchel will have a falling-out at season’s end, with Tuchel then signing with Schalke.
Guardiola will for a long time not commit to (or against) FC Bayern, but accept an offer for a one-year contract right before dropping out of Champions League and the cup. A few weeks later, he will get into some hassle with Sammer (the man, without whom FC Bayern wouldn’t have scored one less goal, according to Klopp). This will lead to the dismissal of Sammer, and a strategically placed statement by Guardiola will then lead to his suspension and a following severance package as well, before he moves into a sabbatical to go on to coach the Spanish national team.
Volkswagen will rethink their engagement in German football, first wanting to cut all sponsoring, then an involvement by Niedersachsen’s prime minister (who, following a seemingly illegal regulation at Volkswagen, holds a chair in the carmaker’s advisory board), will then be reduced to cover only VfL Wolfsburg. A Chinese carmaker will jump in as FC Bayern’s new lead sponsor, while FC Ingolstadt is left without a good contract, prompting speculations of a decrease in their potential for the following season.
Most of that will most probably be utter nonsense. But the way the human mind works, some who read this now will by season’s end have forgotten the nonsense and remember the prediction proving to be true by pure chance.